


Alice Cullen

by VampireGuardDogs



Series: twilight headcanons - individuals [6]
Category: Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M, Forgetting, Hurt/Comfort, Memories, Memory, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-09
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2019-11-14 04:44:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18045728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VampireGuardDogs/pseuds/VampireGuardDogs
Summary: headcanons about alice cullen





	1. memories

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoy! Come talk to me on Tumblr under the username vampireguarddogs and to see a bunch more Twilight content, including writing I don't post here and moodboards! I also accept writing requests for your favorite ship, character, or group. I love any kind of message, long or short, about my work or anything! Have a great day. :)

alice doesn’t have many of them. at least, not many from her human life. she’s remembered everything from her vampire life. every mundane event, every hunt, every floor plan of every new school, what each house looks like. all of her conversations with edward, with her family. every kiss, every touch, every moment she’s shared with jasper. every time she’s gone hunting, every time she’s designed a new piece, every time she’s spent with her new family. she remembers it all. every moment of every day is filed away in her memory. she had begun writing it all down, carrying a notebook with her to jot anything down, worried she’d forget some small detail, like the color of jasper’s shirt or the way esme had hugged her in delight at her new dress. she didn’t want to forget anything as long as she could help it. no more of her memories would be lost.

but her human memories? those were harder to keep track of. when she woke up as a vampire, she didn’t remember much of anything. it had been blackness and pain before. she barely remembered her name, choosing to go by alice instead of her first name because she didn’t know who mary was anymore. maybe alice would be different. 

the first year she was awake, she tried as hard as she could to remember. anything that she could flashed away as quickly as it had appeared. she saw flashes of past visions, thing that had happened and things that almost happened. an older man showing her different jewelry in a house. an older woman cooking and cleaning, with alice’s help. 

running through the streets, people sneering at her. hearing cries of “witch” and “changeling” as she walked through the streets. seeing her mother killed. no one believing her. her stepmother’s cruelty. being thrown into the asylum. living in a cell. trapped by her thoughts, by visions she had never asked for. being hunted by a blonde man. her rescue by one of the few kind workers. from the pain of the shock treatments. the pain of the bite. the pain of the burn. the pain of waking up alone.

everything she remembered, she quickly forgot. the memories flashed through her mind, but none of them stuck. her human life was only a blur. tiny flashes would remain, but none of them made sense. she couldn’t make sense of them no matter how hard she tried. she wanted to make sense of her human life. but her human life hadn’t ever made sense. she was stuck like this, stuck in this forgotten loop. unable to remember anything, unable to be remembered.

alice thought she recognized james when she saw him in the baseball field. but that didn’t make any sense. she hadn’t encountered any other vampires before jasper found her, and they interacted with none until meeting the cullens. so she couldn’t have seen him before. it didn’t matter anyway; she didn’t remember him. he must just look like one of the many students from the past schools; she had cataloged them all away in her mind and thought she found a few that he looked like. 

but then he began hunting bella, and this brought up a few memories for alice that had long since been buried. she had begun to shy away from men in lab coats, from men that looked like he did. she flinched whenever she heard certain sounds, got worried whenever she got lost in visions of things that wouldn’t, couldn’t happen. jasper would help her the best he could, but she would shy away from even him. how could she tell him why she was so upset, so bothered by these little things when she didn’t even know.

something clicked when she watched the video james had left for her, before he tried to kill bella and then was killed. she realized why this had all seemed familiar. her memories came flooding back. like bella, she had been hunted by him. like bella, she had escaped. but so much was still missing. she took the clues he had given her and left, going to investigate who she had been and how it led to this. 

she couldn’t find much. small pieces, random news stories. random bits of information, small records. she found the news of her father’s remarriage, bringing back her memories of the abuse her stepmother had inflicted on her. her mother’s obituary was in one of the newspapers she dug out, creating memories of her visions, the attack, the belittling, the loss, the mistreatment. no one had listened to her, and her mother had had to pay to price. 

her admission papers to an asylum were found in a stack of her father’s things she had found in a relative’s house, telling her what she had always suspected. she knew a little about asylums in those days: they weren’t happy places, full of shock and other cruel treatments, abuses, mistreatment, unbelievable cruelties. she knew why she couldn’t remember any of it. she hadn’t wanted to. who wants to remember their traumas? 

but now that alice knew, she could heal. her memories, those that existed and those that didn’t, wouldn’t control her every move anymore.


	2. Grief

Alice didn’t know how to feel grief in this body. Why would she? There was no one to lose. Her human family was long gone, all the ones she knew. Those she didn’t, why mourn them? They weren’t a part of her life. Those that had been alive in her early years of her second life hadn’t bothered to look for her after her disappearance from the asylum. A long time into this life, she learned that everyone else she once knew is dead. But she can’t bring herself to feel. Why feel pain for people you don’t remember? Her new family is indestructible. Creatures have tried to take them out but no one had succeeded. They remained as strong and resilient as ever.

She’s seen others of her kind grieve. She saw it with Edward, once he realized he loved Bella and what that would mean for the fragile human girl. She helped Rosalie comprehend it when she learned that her youngest brother had died; Rose had never forgotten them. She saw quick flashes of it in Esme’s eyes every time she saw a mother hold her newborn baby, and with Carlisle every time he thought about all he couldn’t give her. She saw it with Emmett, once, as he learned about the deaths of his family and how he had failed to help them. Jasper needed her every time he felt grief and trauma from his life before her.

She had seen it. But she hadn’t experienced it herself. She had no real concept of it. No knowledge of the way the irrational fear could choke her, cutting off the air she didn’t need. Even losing something you didn’t need, even momentarily, was painful and cruel. She didn’t understand the feel of a body shaking with unreleased sobs, how it felt to cry in a body that couldn’t. The waves of pain that would wash over you, drown you, so much stronger with no distractions, were foreign to her. She could only make guesses of how it would feel. Only observations told her what grief were. Even with such little exposure, the very concept terrified her. She couldn’t be held prisoner by something she couldn’t control again. Grief was something she herself would never experience.

These plans all fell apart the second Alice began to love a girl that was just like she had once been. Bella became her best friend before they had even spoken. Bella, who was lost in a future she trusted would happen. Her heart was full of love for her friends and family that she would sacrifice anything for. She watched her visions constantly, waiting for the day when their friendship could finally begin. Edward finally accepted their fate, and Alice spent as much time as she could with her new friend, preparing for the day when she would become a member of their family in every possible way. She trusts on this image of Bella, stone hard and pale white with gold eyes. It was going to happen.

But then something changed. A small accident resulting in Edward throwing Bella out of harm’s way from his own brother. As the days went by, Alice couldn’t trust the vision anymore. It came in flashes, bits and flecks of a future that was once so sure. Alice kept her distance, until the only place she could see the vision was her memory. The future was changed. Bella wasn’t her sister anymore.

Alice then understood the grief the others felt. Edward had asked her not to look in, but Alice loved her too. She watched Bella live her life, although it certainly wasn’t much of a life to live. Alice watched her wake up screaming, push away all of her friends, hide herself away. The girl Alice loved was gone, replaced by another version. Their leaving hadn’t saved her. It had been the very thing that destroyed her. It hurt Alice to watch. Edward said she would just get over it. But Bella didn’t seem the type, and the more she suffered, the more Alice was pulled down with her. 

Alice retreated into herself. She barely spoke, didn’t share the flashes of visions she had with the rest of the family. She didn’t care to see anything other than Bella. She tried to distract herself, tried learning about her past, but the pain was always there in the back of her mind. Her pain and Bella’s, matching losses, both grieving a life they had lost, both overwhelmed by the pain they didn’t understand.

Then flashes of Bella’s life began disappearing. Her future would fade; it was like she suddenly didn’t exist and never had. Alice nearly broke her promise and went to check, just to make sure she was alive. But before she could wrestle herself through it, Bella would reappear, looking momentarily happier than she had before. Alice didn’t understand it, but she could accept anything that made it lighter. She watched closer after these episodes, looking for any sign Bella had hurt herself. But she seemed to be getting better. Alice kept herself away, kept her grief to herself, knowing she could handle it as long as Bella was getting better. As long as Bella was alive, her grief could be handled.

But then Bella jumped, and her future disappeared. Alice waited, sure it was just some kind of trick. But nothing reappeared. She remained out of sight, but not out of mind. Alice couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t think. She had never reacted this strongly before. Her body shook with sobs she couldn’t make, her breath she didn’t need came out in short gasps. She collapsed, for the first time not strong enough to hold herself together as everything else fell apart around her.

She didn’t tell anyone where or why she was going. She just grabbed a set of keys and vanished, refusing to trust her visions for the first time in her second life. Bella couldn’t be gone. Alice had to go find her and prove it to herself. The pain was too much; she couldn’t survive if this was true.


	3. Education

She didn’t have much chance for education in her human life. She went through a few years of school as was typical for girls of her social standing in that time. Eventually, she had to stop when her mother needed help with the housework. She did a lot of sewing, laundry, and alteration work for wealthier women. It brought in some extra money, and eventually she pulled Alice in to help. She was surprised to find that she liked the work. It was easy to learn for her; she was soon quicker than her mother at alterations, and was able to sew simple dresses and skirts together. Her favorite was creating new designs, after deviating from patterns.

Despite her love of working with clothes, Alice still missed her regular education. She missed going to school and seeing people her own age that weren’t her sister. The mental stimulation of school was one of the few things that could distract her from her visions, and she missed it. The longer she was out of school, the worse it got and the less she could understand them.

There was no education in the asylum. Unless you counted the mental rewiring, the shock treatments, all the cruelties patients were forced to go through. It was all an attempt to “fix” their brains, to teach them how to function better. It didn’t work. It just caused pain, damaged their brains, taught them to expect pain no matter what they did. It was no   
way to learn.

Alice didn’t know what to do when she woke up as a vampire. Her visions, the only thing she had learned to trust, told her what she was and who she would spend her life with. But that was all they told her. She didn’t have a time, but trusted that she would know when. This meant that she had some time to kill. She wondered around, not quite trusting herself to get too close to people. She didn’t know what to do, or how she was supposed to do this. So she spent her time learning how to be a vampire. She taught herself how to hunt animals using her instincts. Slowly, she learned how to exist alongside humans. She kept testing her abilities, making herself resist for longer periods of time. It took so long to learn this new way of existing, that she didn’t have much time for anything else.

It was different with the Cullens. Carlisle had spent so long alone that he knew so much. He had spent all that time studying and he loved sharing it. He talked with Alice about anything he knew, everything she was interested in. He helped her get better at reading, until she could read on her own. She devoured his medical textbooks, history books, any book she could get her hands on. He began teaching her different languages, until they could talk in English, Spanish, Italian, Latin, Chinese, Japanese, sign languages, and so many others. She was learning things she had never thought about before, never been able to learn before.

She was the only one of the Cullens that actually liked going to high school over and over. The information didn’t change much from school to school, and she knew most of it after awhile, but the process never ceased to be fascinating to her. It was something she wanted for so long, and she won’t take it for granted now. On top of learning, she loved seeing new people everywhere she went. She was careful with making friends, due to their need for secrecy and a low profile. But everyone in school knew her and she knew everyone. She had anything anyone could want in her backpack - bandaids, food, water, gum, a pencil, anything and was always available if you needed someone to talk to or to help you with your homework. If she was going to spend eternity going to high school, she was going to make the most of it.

Much like the others, she especially loved whenever they went to college. She would take the opportunity to take any class that sounded interesting, which was most of them. She would take five, six, sometimes even seven years to complete a degree, because she would take so many classes that weren’t required. She loved having various degrees in fashion design and other related fields, seeing how it changed over the years. Her schedule would have some fashion courses, and then math, English, art, science, theatre, anything she could dream up. Whatever classes she was taking, she was just happy to have the chance to learn as much as she wanted.


	4. Flying Falling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alice is about ten, and a human in this chapter.

Alice flew down the street, pedaling as rapidly as she could, seeing just how fast the wheels could move her. She was panting hard, trying to bring in as much air as she could. The sun was beating down on her pale skin. She could feel it burning her, but she didn’t care. She was free.

She wasn’t allowed to fly free like this. Her father would be furious with her when he learned what she had been up to all afternoon. She could see it in her mind: the bruises she would receive, the scolding. He wouldn’t let her out of the house for weeks. But it was worth it for the days of freedom. She could imagine it would last; that she would have freedom forever. But she couldn’t see it happening. Not yet, anyway. She tried to ignore the way her future disappeared. When she flew like this, her future didn’t matter.

But then she was flying too fast, down a hill that was far too steep. The breaks didn’t work. The bike was still speeding down the hill. Until it wasn’t.

She hit a rock, or maybe a branch. Maybe it was just a crack in the pavement. She didn’t have a chance to see what it was, even as her front tire hit it and she went tumbling over the handlebars. It was a whole different kind of flying. The only problem was it had a much worse landing.

The bike flipped over Alice as she lay on the ground. It landed a few feet from her, the front wheel popped, parts of the frame scratched from where it had landed on the rough pavement. Alice didn’t move from where she was. She honestly wasn’t too sure what had happened. One minute, she had been riding a bike down her family’s street; the next, she was lying on the ground, a pain in her arm. She could feel scratches all over her legs beginning to sting as she laid there. She hesitated a beat longer before trying to pick herself off of the pavement. She cried out in pain as she put pressure on her right arm.

She slowly moved herself so she was sitting, and then carefully stood. She cuddled her injured arm against her chest, trying to hold it as still as possible. She looked at the bike on the ground, unsure if she could leave it there but knowing she coudn’t bring it back to her house. Her father would see it. She wasn’t sure how she would tell her parents how she had gotten hurt. She wasn’t supposed to ride the old bike anymore. She wasn’t even supposed to leave the house. Not when there were so many chores to do.

She shuffled home slowly. The bike remained on the pavement where it had landed she hadn’t been able to even life it without her arm hurting. The walk was slow; her arm hurt worse with every step and the scrapes began to sting worse. Tears began to slide down her cheeks as she walked up the the steps to her family’s apartment and let herself inside.   
Her mother was waiting for her when she opened the door.

“Alice! Where have you been? We have work to do…” she said, her voice trailing off when she got a better look at Alice. She hadn’t noticed the tears, the arm bent at an unnatural angle, the cuts leaking blood all down her arms. Alice hung her head, unable to look her mother in the eye. Her mother knelt in front of Alice and reached out her hands, placing them on Alice’s shoulders. Alice pulled her injured arms closer to herself, wincing as she did so.

“Baby, what happened?” her mother asked, waiting patiently for Alice to explain herself.

“I… I fell,” Alice said, hoping her mother wouldn’t ask any further questions.

“Off of what? This looks worse than a simple trip. I need to know so I can know how to help you,” her mother said, her eyes roaming over Alice, trying to examine all of her injuries.

“Off the bike… I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to. It was an accident. I’m so sorry I didn’t listen, I…” Alice tried to explain, her apologies tumbling out.

“Alice, Alice baby. It’s okay. I’m just glad you’re alright. Let’s get you to the doctor and fixed up before your father comes home. He doesn’t need to know,” her mother said, standing up and taking Alice’s uninjured hand. “It’ll be okay, I promise,” she said when Alice hesitated in the doorway. Alice nodded, following her mother back down the stairs and to the town doctor. She was given a brace, and he cleaned her scrapes and assured her they would heal just fine. They left the office, Alice liking a lollipop as her mother led her back down the street with her hand on her shoulders.


	5. Sister Protection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw for child abuse, abuse

For a long time, it was just Alice, her mother, and her father. He traveled a lot for work, so often it was just Alice and her mother around their small house. Her mother doted on her, giving Alice whatever she needed or wanted, as long as it was something she could give. Even when times were hard, and there was less and less to give, Alice still lived a happy life in a house where she was loved by at least one parent. Alice loved spending time with her mother, whether it was walking around their town talking, working together on their seamstress duties, or helping her around the house, Alice was just happy to be with her mother.

She was worried it would all be different when her mother announced she was pregnant, rather unexpectedly. Alice would soon have a little brother or sister to play with. She was almost nine years old now, and hadn’t expected things would ever change between herself and her mother. But as her pregnancy went on, and Alice found herself needed more to help around the house or her mother, she realized the differences weren’t bad. She was still able to spend the time with her mother, and she felt happy knowing that she was able to help and she was needed.

When the baby arrived, Alice was thrilled to learn that she had a new sister. She had always secretly wanted one, but had never wanted to ask. Despite their age difference of nearly a decade, the two sisters were inseparable. Alice would help feed her baby sister and put her down for naps, staying with her while she slept. They had to share a room, and Alice happily sang her sister to sleep every night. Alice stayed by her sister’s side for the next ten years, helping her grow up and playing with her as much as she could. Her sister was the only person that would believe Alice about her visions; they loved talked about the “stories” Alice created with them. She tried to keep the darkest visions from her sister, not wanting them to frighten her.

Until they came true. Alice had tried for weeks to protect her mother, seeing that she would be killed soon. But there was only so much she could do, and it wasn’t long until she lost her mother and her father found another woman. But this new woman wasn’t a mother to Alice or her sister at all. She was cold, and cruel. She was coldest toward Alice, having heard of her visions through the gossip of the town. Alice was forbidden from even mentioning her visions. Not to anyone, not even her father or sister.   
Alice did her best to avoid her stepmother as often as she could, unless it was to help her sister. While she was clearly favored by her stepmother, Alice’s sister didn’t fare much better under the cruel treatment. Alice took the brunt of it, if only to shield her sister. 

The two girls worked hard together to keep the house neat and money coming in. Alice taught her sister seamstress work, and they both spent most of their time working on garments for various customers. They tried to work away from the house as much as they could, working at the houses of their few friends, or any public space in town. On nice days, they could be found sitting outside in the local park or town square, needles glinting in the sunlight as they pulled the thin thread through trousers, dresses, and blouses. The less time they spent in the house, the freer they felt. 

Alice would do most of the work; she was better and faster at it anyway. Her younger sister would often stay with her to keep her company, and because she felt safer with Alice than anywhere else. She would help keep her older sister entertained while she worked, by singing or reading to her, or simply telling her stories that she had made up. They could talk for hours, the time easily sliding away far too quickly until they had to go back to their house, facing whatever was waiting for them. If they were lucky, they could sneak back in without too much fuss, showing what they had worked on that day to their stepmother, hoping it would be enough. Her sister would cower behind her, watchful of her stepmother’s wrath on the many days it wasn’t enough. But as long as the sisters were together, they could manage.

It got to be too much. Alice had been hiding her visions, trying to ignore them for months. But she couldn’t ignore them any longer. What had happened to her mother was going to happen to her. She couldn’t let it happen, not with her sister around. Not with the fear her sister would be next. She did everything she could to stop it. She hatched plans to run away, taking her sister with her. She thought of revealing the truth, but knew she wouldn’t be believed. She thought of doing something, anything to rescue just her sister from this, praying her stepmother would be satisfied with just her. But she wouldn’t be. Not after everything that had happened, everything that Alice had tried to reveal before no one believed her. She decided her best hope of protection was to reveal what she knew, praying that someone, anyone could save her.

But she was too late. She wouldn’t have the same fate as her mother; no, they would send her somewhere far worse. Somewhere she couldn’t protect her sister, where she couldn’t even protect herself.


	6. Fabric Shopping

Alice and her mother didn’t go shopping very often. Their family didn’t have much money, and her mother was often too busy working as a seamstress to have the time to go shopping. They mostly made their own clothes, and grocery shopping was a quick, boring task.

But sometimes, they had to go out to buy fabric for different clothes that someone ordered, and this was Alice’s favorite time. She would count down the days until they could go, loving being outside of the house and surrounded by all the different fabrics. She loved seeing the different patterns and feeling the different textures, imagining was she would make if she could afford to buy whatever she wanted.

Alice’s mother would need to go fabric shopping about once a month, and Alice always followed along. They would often spend the whole day out, going to different shops to buy all the fabric, thread, and other fasteners and adornments they needed. It was also a good time to stock up their supply of general supplies, which Alice found boring as it was nothing new. 

Alice would get lost looking at the different fabrics. She particularly loved the ones with wild patterns, imagining how fun they would be to work with. She imagined all the different shirts, dresses, pants, and all kinds of clothes she would make out of them. 

She brought a sketchbook with her, hurriedly sketching down her favorite patterns before her mother called her back to help her find what they needed. She saved these sketches, using them to design clothes once she was back home, using the creativity of designing as an escape. She hoped one day she would be able to create and sell the clothes she had designed.

Once her mother called her back to help her look, they would make it a game who could find the fabrics they needed fastest. Their clients would usually request specific colors or types of patterns they wanted, and specifically list the types of fabrics to make their clothes out of. They would each choose a type from the list, running around the store to find it. The entire list could be found this way, and whoever found the most fabrics was the winner. Alice almost always won; she was somehow very good at finding the requested fabrics.

Whenever they had an unspecified request, they would collaborate to find the best fabric to use. They could spend hours comparing fabrics, talking about which patterns would best fit the client and which would look best with the design of the garment they were making. These were Alice’s favorite; it was always such a challenge to find the right fabrics and she loved a challenge. These didn’t happen often, so it was a special treat when they did.

When she got older, she began taking in her own requests; people had begun seeing some of her designs and asking her to make them for her. She didn’t charge much for these, usually just enough to buy the fabric and a small charge for her labor. She loved making them so much that she didn’t view it as work. She would go shopping for this fabric when her mother took her, looking for her fabric as she helped her mother.

She would save up the money she earned from these jobs to buy fabric for herself to use. The fabric she bought would be used for personal projects. Sometimes she could only afford a small swatch of the fabrics she liked, and she kept those to use as inspiration for other pieces. Her mother would help her choose the fabrics she wanted, helping her to understand which fabrics were worth the money and which were overpriced.

She kept these swatches with her most of the time, saving them all in a small book with descriptions of them and sketches in case one ever got lost. She used them to inspire designs, usually creating whole lines around one texture, style, or pattern.

After finding the fabric they needed, they would go look at buttons or other things they needed. While her mother looked for the more practical buttons they usually needed to mend men’s shirts or women’s dresses, she would look for the most decorative buttons she could find. She was usually able to persuade her mother to buy at least one for her, adding it to her collection at home. She wasn’t really sure what she was going to do with them; she just liked having them to look at. 

Sometimes, whenever she had to make a new dress for herself, she would design the dress around a few of the buttons she had, basing the fabric color and pattern off of a few of them. She had only done this a few times, as she rarely had buttons that looked enough like one another to look right on the same garment. Regardless, she loved her collection, and would happily show off each new button before carefully adding it to the box where she kept them.


	7. Jewish Holidays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many, many thanks to @samuel-uley on Tumblr for helping me write these and checking them for me to make sure they were accurate and inclusive! I am not Jewish, but strongly believe in the importance of representation and wanted to write a character for a minority religion when I saw this request. I’m incredibly grateful for all her help with this! I highly recommend her/her blog, and suggest you check it out and give her a follow! Sources are included at the bottom.

Alice grew up in a Jewish household. It was a part of her as far back as she could remember, and she did her best to carry it with her in all aspects of her life. With her family, she celebrated the various holidays associated with the religion.

When she was little, she joined her mother in lighting the Sabbath candles every Friday evening. She watched her mother carefully do the work, admiring the way the flames dancing atop the candles. Shortly after lighting the candles, the family would gather in the family room to watch the sunset and recite the proper psalms.

After their meal, the family would gather in the living room. This was Alice’s favorite part. As a family, they would discuss their favorite sections from the Torah, or read different sections out loud. Alice would spend the evening curled into her mother’s side, listening to the spiritual conversation, occasionally adding her thoughts. As the night got later, she would slowly drift off to sleep; the nights usually ended with her mother carrying her to bed.

They would go to synagogue service the next morning. Alice enjoyed the extra time with her family, but she found the services kind of boring as she had to just sit and listen. She preferred to read herself, or discuss the passages as much as she was able. It helped her feel more connected to the Torah, and helped her to understand all the various aspects of her religion better.

During Rosh Hashanah, Alice loved to help her mother and sister bake the challah bread. They would gather in the kitchen early before the holiday started. Alice’s mother would give each of her daughters a different task for making the bread. Alice’s favorite was rolling it out; she loved trying to make it a perfect circle. Her sister loved painting it with the honey. They would usually just watch while their mother measured and mixed together the ingredients, as it would often get too messy if all three of them tried to help. 

While the bread was being mixed and baked, Alice would sit with her sister and mother and trade stories of the past year. They would mention their favorite memories, or the things they were most proud of. If they ran out of stories, they would began to share their hopes for the new year. They would talk about what they wanted to accomplish, or new adventures they wanted to have. They’ll also mention how they want to improve over the coming year, whether it is through knowledge or working to be a better person. They vow to help each other accomplish these goals. 

Shortly after this holiday is Yom Kippur. In preparation for this holiday, Alice and her mother will check the family’s white gowns and make sure they are clean and ready to wear for the service. Her parents usually wear the same gown year to year, taking impeccable care of it so it doesn’t need to be replaced that often. Alice and her sister often need new gowns due to growth spurts over the past year. Alice works with her mother in the weeks prior to make their new gowns, donating the old ones to other families. 

By far, Alice’s favorite holiday was Chanukah. She loved the extra time with her family, the songs that came with the celebrations, the gifts that would be exchanged, cooking and eating the food, every part of it. Each night of the holiday, she and her sister would help their mother light the appropriate number of candles on the menorah, before watching her carefully bring it to the window that faced the street. After lighting the candles, they gather around it to sing this hymns. Alice loved singing, but especially with her family. 

Throughout the holiday, Alice’s family volunteers and gives to charity. They’ll sometimes help at a soup kitchen. Alice and her mother and sister will spend parts of their days sewing different clothes to donate to those who need them. They don’t have much money, but they set aside some to be donated, especially to their synagogue.

When they’re not working on clothes or other work, Alice and her sister will play with a dreidel. Between the sisters, they have many. Some are homemade, carefully painted and decorated. Others were bought in stores, or given as gifts. They can play with them for hours, spinning them and trying to guess which letter it will land on. Sometimes they’ll play for candy or small coins, or other trinkets they have lying around the house. It doesn’t much matter to them who wins.

Alice spent a lot of the holiday in the kitchen with her mother, helping her to prepare the various foods they would eat. Her favorite to make and eat were the doughnuts. She would help her mother prep and roll the dough, using differently-flavored jellies to fill them. After the doughnuts, they would make latkes. This could take a long time to properly cut the potatoes, as they often made plenty so they could have friends and family over for dinner.


	8. Ambulance Ride

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for parent death

Alice sat on the floor in her mother’s study, helping her to sew a dress she would wear on a date with her husband. Alice was sitting by her feet, helping to smooth out the fabric as she pulled in through the machine, making sure it is as straight as possible so the designs would match up. Her mother watched as she worked, carefully adjusting the fabric right before it met the small needle. She worked the machine slowly, finding it the easiest way to keep it perfect.

They finished the line, pulling the dress out of the machine and carefully cutting the errant threads that hung from where they had just shown. Alice stood up, admiring the dress alongside her mother. They had been working on it for weeks, and now it was almost ready. All they had left to do was to sew the bottom hems, and then go through, adjusting anything that needed small fixes. It was their normal pattern, one they had perfect over the few short years they had been working together, ever since Alice was big enough to help hold the fabric.

“I think that looks about done, don’t you?” Her mother said, running her hands over the fabric.

“Yes!” Alice declared, reaching up to where her mother’s hand still rested on the skirt. Her mother took her hand, setting the dress down. 

“Let’s go downstairs and get something to drink,” she said, leading young Alice out of the room. They went down the stairs and into the kitchen. Alice sat at the small table while her mother went to the refrigerator to get their pitcher of tea and a small plate of cookies a friend of Alice’s father had dropped off the day before. She brought both to the table, then went to get amug for each of them. Alice waited patiently for her to return.

“Would you like some tea?” her mother asked when she sat down.

“Yes, please!” Alice said, reaching for her mug as her mother poured it. “Thank you!” she said, taking a big sip from the mug.

“So polite. Just like I taught you,” her mother said, laughing. She poured herself a cup and grabbed one of the cookies, taking a large bite before a sip of her tea. Alice nodded back, drinking her tea slower now. “Would you like a cookie?” her mother asked, motioning to the plate. Alice shook her head. She didn’t feel very hungry at that moment.

Her mother took another bite of the cookie, quickly finishing it off before washing it down with another sip of tea. She opened her mouth to say something, but before she could, something happened. She dropped her mug; it shattered to the floor, splashing the tea all over the room. She froze, before falling over, out of her chair. Alice screamed, jumping out of her chair and running to check on her mother. She had always been so careful. What happened?

“Momma? Momma!” she called, putting her hand on her mother’s shoulder and shaking her. “Momma, wake up!” she tried again. Her mother wasn’t moving at all. She looked around the room, desperate for something to do. Her eyes landed on the phone. She was told that she was only supposed to use it in emergencies. If this wasn’t an emergency she didn’t know what was. She ran to the phone, yanking it off the hook and dialing the only number she knew, praying someone would come to help her. Someone answered and what happened next was a blur. She only remembered telling them that she needed help; her mother had fallen and needed someone to save her. She must have told them her address or something because before she knew it, other people where there, coming into the house. An ambulance had arrived and her mother was in it before she could process what was happening.

One of the workers let Alice ride in the back with her mother, unsure of what else to do with the child. Alice would have refused the separation anyway. She would go where her mother was. Always. They were together every waking moment; this wouldn’t be any different.

Alice knelt on the floor next to her mother’s bed in the back of the truck quickly weaving its way through traffic. The siren was all she could hear. The only sound she could focus on. She had always hated them so much. They were too loud. It hurt her ears. But she would be strong now. It was for her mother. It was the least she could do. She took her mother’s hand, holding it tight as they made their way to the hospital across town. What else was there to do? She didn’t understand what was going on. All she knew was how worried she was, how unhappy she was to be trapped in a vehicle she didn’t like. All she could focus on was the siren, praying it was enough to save her mother.


End file.
